personal development

Secret Ingredients: I Recognized Myself

2:39:00 AM

It was hard on my self-esteem growing up without a daily Father fixture. Making monthly and bi-monthly to yearly and bi-yearly trips didn't fill the void in my soul left when my parents' relationship became hostile and then separated. Separation doesn't just hurt adults, I think they forget that. And the aftermath is not immediate, yet they dismiss that.

I felt I was taken from the most creative outlet I would ever have - my father - a lover of tech, sci-fi and a Blues musician. But I made my own outlet, my own "Blues" through my poetry and stories. Verbally, no one ever listened, but through my written blues, everyone heard and felt it.

I feel the greatest gifts man ever made besides the toilet are stationary and utensils. Written communications has saved many lives and today, it will save mine once again.

                              *****

When trying to figure out if you are fit to start a business (or a new job), mentors might ask you what are your weaknesses and strengths? I always looked outward, trying to say what they wanted to hear but the truth was that I shut myself off from my own reality. I left my strengths behind and got close to my weaknesses. And that was a major failure.

From my failure, I still tried to find what my strengths were. I was taken to the deepest darker corners of my soul. I felt lost, abandoned and broken. But through opportunities came new hope.

My strength has been within me since the first time I felt joy writing about nonsense when I was a little girl. Whatever drama I go through, I can always count on picking up a pen and paper and articulating my emotions. The moment I really found out my words was worth a damn to others was when I wrote my first real short story (a mystery horror) for my English class. I got an A+ and my teacher said I could even submit it to a contest. I wasn't confident then but it gave me hope.

I went on to writing lyrics for a female rap group I and friends wanted to start. It fell through but I didn't stop writing. Another time was when I was a speaker at my business training program's graduation. The planners asked me to speak about my experience. I wrote a draft and they were in tears. I spoke the final draft at the graduation in front of 200 people and I received a standing ovation while the whole room was in tears. I knew then the power of the written Blues. But like everyone else, I lost my focus to pursue a writing career and instead chose to pursue computer engineering technology, a bachelor's degree I would get, that would not be used on a job whatsoever.

I came back to writing when I fell in love with writing about video games. I had a small following on Gamespot and then went to other platforms and eventually created my own forums. They fell flat, because I had no idea how to market them and grab people's attention away from the already established media outlets online such as GamePro, 1UP, IGN, Xplay, etc. But I didn't give up, however, I didn't grow much either.

Self Sabotaging stops the process until something traumatic happens that forces you either to evolve or digress. I evolved for a bit into Podcasting and Vlogging, but never truly spent quality time with either. I wasn't as comfortable as writing a piece.

For a long time I strayed from my passion because I let others dictate my lifestyle and I stupidly decided to help build another's dream (getting a job). I now recognize my strength and my love for writing. My strength is the ability to communicate my blues, my knowledge and my heart with anyone whether its through writing or verbally. I'm a natural born leader and teacher. Its time I showed it.

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